My Last Night of Drinking
Getting Ready For Rehab
I’m checking into rehab tomorrow, and I intend for this to be my last ever night of drinking alcohol. It took me a long time to accept the need for addiction treatment, but I want this pain to stop – I just can’t go on like this anymore.
Going to rehab is a big deal for me, and I don’t really know what to expect. What if I don’t like it? What if the people there don’t like me? What if it doesn’t work? What is my life going to be like if it does work? What if I’m a hopeless case? What if my problem isn’t serious enough to require this help? So many questions.
I’m going to rehab because the alternative scares me far more than this solution. It is now impossible to ignore the costs of my drinking. I’ve lost too many friends, opportunities, and precious moments with my family. I’ve hurt the people I love, and I’ve damaged my reputation – I find it hard to look people in the eye these days. My health has also deteriorated noticeably, and my motivation and energy levels have plummeted. I heard people in Alcoholics Anonymous talking about how they became ‘sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, and I know exactly how that feels.
The Leap of Faith
By going to rehab, I’m taking a leap of faith. I’ve already see where doing the wrong things has gotten me, so it seems reasonable to assume that if I start doing the right things, my life will improve. At the moment I can’t imagine a future where I’m not using alcohol to manage my sorrow and to celebrate my triumphs (a rare event these days), but I have faith that it is possible. The fact that there are lots of people who have managed to turn their lives around gives me hope.
I’ve tried repeatedly to quit drinking without any help, but it just doesn’t work. I have managed to ‘stay on the wagon’ for a few weeks or months, but it always feels like a struggle, and it only takes one bad day to send me running back to the bottle. I’m not going to rehab to learn how to stop drinking but to learn how to stay stopped. It is obvious that I don’t yet have the tools to manage living sober, but I will pick these up over the next few weeks. I’ll also have the opportunity to spend some time with a therapist who can help me examine the issues that have been driving the addiction.
I’ve done some bad things as a result of drinking, but deep down I’m not a bad person. Addiction is a disease. My life has felt out of control for the last few years, and this has interfered with my ability to make good decisions. I never set out to hurt anyone – including myself. There is a part of my thinking that is full of self-hatred, and this wants me to fail, but I have to ignore that voice. I deserve another chance in life, and by going to rehab, I can give myself this chance.
Tonight is my last night of drinking because I deserve better. I close my eyes and try to imagine what I’ll be like a year from now. It’s hard, but I can see a vague image. I see a person who is free, happy, optimistic, and confident – he is no longer full of shame. I want to be this person so badly, and I’ll do whatever it takes to make it happen. Going to rehab is the first step in making this happen.
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